I Am His

When I was a little girl, one of my favorite things to do was to pretend.  My family doesn't think of me as an outdoor girl, and I'm really not, but I did used to play outside a lot when I was little.  Except, I didn't play in the dirt or find much joy in physical activity like playing tag or baseball (although I did participate in these kind of sporty activities on occasion!!).  My favorite thing to do outside was to pretend. 

Whether under the shade of a big tree, up in the branches of a smaller tree (I'm no dare devil!), under the top of an old pick up truck, or sitting at the edge of a creek, I loved to pretend...or imagine.  I could sit for hours and just imagine.  When I got older, I would use my times of imagination to write...sometimes stories, sometimes journal entries, and sometimes, when the imagination turned into reflection, poems.  I was too young to realize that my love for these moments was due to my connection with the Maker of these moments.

There was something special about being out in nature, all alone.  I still find that it is in those quiet moments outside, in the vast expanse of His creation, that I feel as if I'm in a different dimension.  I feel as though He is so near to me that I could almost reach out and touch Him.  All of the noise of life fades away and I become, if only for a little while, me.  The real me, my soul exposed and laid bare for Him alone to see.  And I allow myself to let go of everything, all of the pressures and demands of motherhood and marriage, the past failures and mistakes that still haunt me, the unknown elements of the future that threaten to dismantle my sanity on a daily basis.  I let go, and I just...feel.  I feel His sovereignty and His greatness wash over me.  I feel Him looking at me and knowing me, like no one else in the entire world.  And I feel Him forgiving me, loving me, washing me anew. 

As the breeze blows through the trees and lifts tiny tendrils of hair off my brow, I feel taken care of and cherished, as if He himself were caressing my face and smiling into my eyes.  When the birds sing, I hear His love song for me and allow it to resonate into the deepest parts of my spirit. 

I don't feel like I'm one of a billion.  I feel like I'm one in a billion.  I am special.

I am His.  And He is mine.  

What's My Gift?

Recently, I listened to our children's pastor tell a group of kids that every single one of them had a God-given gift waiting to be discovered.  I believe him.  In fact, I know it to be true, way down deep, in my know-er.  Of course, God has placed a unique gift inside each of us, and fully expects us to discover it and utilize it for His kingdom.  But, as I sat there, just as intent on what he was saying as the fifteen or so children in the room, I couldn't help but do some self-examining.  And I asked myself the same question that I've asked many times before.

What is my gift?

I'm 37 years old and I truly do not know.  It can't be anything too incredible or I would have found it by now.  Right?  Or am I blinded to the truth by my insecurities, my past, my many failures?  .

Wouldn't it be ideal if we were just born with a clear-cut label?  You know, a stamp on our rear that said something like: ARTIST, MUSICIAN...FINANCIAL WIZARD.  Psshh....well I know that's not what mine would say. 

But really, though.  I am a decent writer.  I can carry a tune and somewhat sing parts if I try really hard.  I can read like it's nobody's business.  I'm slightly ok at motherhood, but I certainly don't deserve a cape.  I love acting and I feel like I'm not too bad at it.  Do I feel particularly gifted in any area?  Honestly, no. 

But, if it's true that each and every one of us was born with a gift, then I must have one.  Apparently, I just haven't been able to dig it out yet.  Why is it that some people live these amazingly talented lives from childhood, but others have to really dig deep to find their gifts?

Don't get me wrong...I'm happy for all of those people out there!  Where would we be without them?  And I don't have this burning desire to find my gift so that I can be noticed.  I just don't want to miss out on doing something special for God with my life.  If there are things he intended me to do, I want to do them!

So, how do you discover your hidden gifts?  That is the question on my mind and the one I intend to focus my prayers on for a while.  I'll let you know if I come to any new revelation. 

Until next time...